What is it that gives me meaning and how does that influence the story of my life?
In Life is in the Transitions, Bruce Feiler accomplishes what I consider to be a feat that’s quite amazing. On the surface, he’s simply interviewing people about their life. But the conversations that take place are so much more than that: they are the most intimate of exchanges in which hundreds of people are sharing with him some of their most personal, challenging, and notable life events.
Outside of getting to read and learn about people’s resilience and ability to overcome obstacles, though—which is inspiring in and of itself—why does Feiler find it so important to encourage people to tell their life stories?
For me, the answer seems pretty clear: telling our life stories helps us give meanings to our lives.
THE ABCs OF MEANING
“What kind of person do I want to be? What story do I want to tell? What gives me meaning?”
One of the most profound insights I gathered from the book was Feiler’s thoughts on meaning. Following countless years of research and largely guided by Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, Feiler agrees that central to our individuality as humans is the process of making meaning. Where he adds to the body of work is his idea of the ABCs of meaning.
Basically, he says that we all derive life meaning from three sources: A for agency; B for belonging; and C for cause. While we all seek a bit from each source, “we tend to prioritize one element over the others”. He adds, “We each have what we might consider a home base, a core-construct, as psychologists might call it. We’re agency-first people, belonging-first people, or cause-first people.” In this way, our meanings can end up being CAB, meaning we put cause first, agency second, and belonging third.
But what does this actually mean?
Those who put (A)gency first, seek meaning from autonomy, freedom, creativity and mastery, “or the belief that you can impact the world around you.” A’ers feel their life is most meaningful when they’re seeking something for themselves, and are most concerned with their personal narratives.
B’ers make meaning primarily from relationships, community, friends, and family. They ascribe meaning to their lives most when they feel connected and supported by others.
Lastly, those who derive meaning primarily from (C)ause describe their lives as meaningful when there is some “transcendent commitment beyond [themselves] that makes [their] life worthwhile.” These are the individuals who believe in something bigger than themselves and shape their life around that belief.
Without a doubt, I’m someone who derives meaning from agency. I value being able to make choices on my own and seek what I want to do, what makes me happy. This is not to say I’m selfish, far from it. But I do believe when I look back on my life, I will be happy if I did what made me feel good, as long as that was not at the expense of anyone else.
CHAOS AS AN OPENING
“Jump and the net will appear”
Another part of the book that impacted me was the section on chaos.
Feiler’s take on chaos is that it is a necessary and an inescapable part of the non-linearity of life. He says that for years, life was conceptualized as something that occurred in neat, progressive stages, but in our contemporary moment, that could not be further from the truth. Now, more than ever, according to Feiler, we experience disruptors and “lifequakes” that change the trajectory of our life.
Amid all this chaos, though, there is some semblance of order. He describes this as three stages that don’t necessarily happen sequentially but that most people experience when going through a transition: the long goodbye, the messy middle, and the new beginning.
He says that some people are really good at being in one of the stages and have great difficulty in others. Personally, I feel like I don’t struggle with the long goodbye. I think it’s fairly easy for me to pack up my stuff and get out of a situation or place that no longer suits me. Kind of?
THE MESSY MIDDLE
The messy middle stage is something I’m not so sure about. Sometimes I think I’m going to love the messy middle—when I finally quit my job and I’m traveling indefinitely—but other times I think that I’ll struggle. Nevertheless, it is kind of exciting—this drifting, wandering, and being lost!
Having said this, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t question the messy middle. Not just out of fear of the unknown, but more so because I wonder why I’m choosing this path in the first place. Why am I ostensibly blowing my life up to pursue a life of travel? When I speak to my family and others, I feel like I’m crazy…
This is one of the areas where Feiler’s book was really helpful. He showed me that I’m far from alone in attempting to seek a “messy middle” experience. In fact, 87% of his interviewees voluntary left stable conditions!
“Everything was being reset, but I didn’t know what it was being reset to”
Still, the sense of “aimlessness, blindness, vagrancy, nomadism” in the messy middle prompts us to draw our own boundaries and create the order we think we need. This doesn’t mean a tight schedule, but rather a structure in the unstructured that helps us prevail from the period into the person we ultimately want to be. He refers to these as self-designed experiences.
Mine is travel. In this way, I’m a “sandboxer”: someone who creates a messy middle with boundaries but radical freedom within. I know I want to travel, but I don’t know what else will come from that and I’m not sure when it will end. There’s beauty in this, honestly.
Perhaps the part I found most beautiful is that I can shed myself: let go of old ways that I feel no longer serve me. I don’t know precisely what these ways are but I do know that it will be the close of a chapter and opening of a new one, and that is something I am very much looking forward to!
TRANSITIONS
Backed by all of his participants’ stories, there is no doubt that the one thing we can count on in life is that we’ll get thrown some curveballs—apparently one every 2 years or so. Feiler says that we ought to understand this as a natural part of life and equip ourselves with tools to handle these (un)expectancies.
“I want to dance in the rain”
This is where the second half of the book comes in.
More specifically, he describes 7 tools that most people use when navigating life transitions. The ones I resonated with most were “Accept it” and “Create it”.
“Moving from resistance to acceptance is the first tool of a life transition”
Feiler writes that when experiencing a transition, there will likely come a point in time where we need to accept our emotions and that things are changing—a theme that keeps coming up in everything I read.
It’s a simple idea, sure, but one that’s so difficult to do, especially when life seems so chaotic. We may have this “gut feeling” or hear our “inner voice”, and still, know something in our “heart of hearts”. But how do we come to accept a loss of a loved one, for instance? Or something else that feels so emotionally draining?
He suggests that fear, shame, and sadness are the 3 biggest factors that get in the way of accepting things. I totally resonate with this.
For a long time, fear and sadness have been holding me back in making decisions that I think will ultimately be the right choices. I fully believe that leaving everything to pursue a life of travel is the right choice, but I get scared…
Scared that I’ll fail.
Sad that I’m throwing away my relationship.
Scared that I’ll be unstable.
Sad that people won’t love me anymore.
But recently, I’ve come to accept these feelings. Honestly, therapy has been a huge help. In therapy I’ve realized that these emotions are simply emotions. They’re not necessarily based on anything factual, and I need to accept that. Moreover, if those things do happen, I need to accept that as well—for I won’t let the fear of the unknown outweigh the fear of the known. .
“When we go through disruption, sprigs of innovation start to appear….Sometimes these fragile sprigs blossom into new versions of ourselves”
When I read the quote above, I immediately thought about this blog. Though I’m not currently traveling, my life has already been disrupted. While it is ultimately my choice, it doesn’t change that it’s happening.
I think I went ahead and decided to create this blog because I somehow know that this is a vehicle that will help me create a new life. Feiler describes it as simple as can be stated: “What people seem to crave [from creation] is a fresh start”.
In writing to you all and telling you about my journey, I’m also following one of the main premises of the book: which is the idea that sharing our life story helps us create meaning.
PARTING THOUGHTS
I found myself writing “exactly what I’m doing” on the margins time and again throughout the book. While this obviously is indicative of how relevant the book is to where I’m at in life right now, it also speak to Feiler’s ability to communicate his ideas and speak to the reader in such a personal manner.
I also really valued the way that Feiler practiced what he preaches. All throughout the book, he says that psychologists, researchers, and writers have been too rigid in the way they theorize life stages. In contrast, his theorizations, though they’re coherent and structured, are flexible in nature. He states several times throughout the text that whatever he offers in the way of stages, emotions, and common experiences are not sequential nor will everyone experience them.
I can see this book being really helpful for many people who are about to experience change, are in the midst of it, or just went through a huge transition. The tools Feiler provides are especially helpful for this.
Last two things: First, If it’s not obvious already, I highly recommend this book!
Two, I want to ask you: In what ways will you create meaning from your life story?
Till Next Time Travel Friends!
